Excuse Me While I Go Kill Myself

Music is so weird.

I mean weird in a good way of course. It's just really interesting how it can completely change your state of mind. At least it can change mine. For instance, just yesterday we took a short trip to a place right on the ocean that I was thinking was going to be this total fun in the sun, beachy type place. To make a short story unavoidably longer, it ended up being foggy and dreary the whole time we were there. You can only imagine how disappointed we were, having brought an empty comforter bag full of beach stuff. Just as we were thought there was no hope, after a sun-less, beach-less day, in our search for a good place to have dinner, we heard live Reggae off in the distance. Within minutes, the mood of our evening completely changed. Even though it was cold and foggy with no sun in sight, the music made it feel like it was sunny.

Most people are obviously profoundly affected by the power of music. When I was little, my parents always had some sort of music playing in our house on the weekends especially. Whether it was America's Top 40 on Sunday morning or one of the 500 Hindi records from my mom's collection, music was a constant in our household. Even then, music affected me on such a deep level. I remember sitting underneath our kitchen table hidden by the tablecloth and crying cuz one of my mom's favorite Hindi song made me sad.

During my high school days when Depeche Mode, The Cure, and The Smiths provided me with companionship in a world where I didn't "fit in". My "party days" were punctuated with a mix of Zeppelin, Ice-T, and Dee-Lite blaring from the speakers in my black, soft-top Jeep. In between parties, the Lost Highway soundtrack, Pantera, and Courtney Love provided me with an outlet for the anger and angst I felt and was too self-destructive to know how to deal with or take responsibility for. I always seemed to have a soundtrack for my life. That's probably why now, after growing up and coming to terms with so much emotional turmoil, I don't really even listen to music that often unless it has very little if no emotional impact on me. Not only do I not need a soundtrack, a lot of music brings out emotions in me I would rather not indulge in anymore...and makes me wanna kill myself. The music I do listen to has about as much as depth as a snack sized size sandwich bag (does anyone even use those?). Although I do think Gwen Stefani and Fergie have charisma and talent, I wouldn't call them musical intellectuals or characterize their music as deeply moving.

I'd love to tell you that my favorite music is Indie rock and rattle off some obscure band names comprised of words when assembled together don't make any sense. But frankly, aside from the stuff I listened to when I was younger, much more hip, and much more intense, the tunes on my iPod are nothing to brag about. I listen to what makes me feel good, what makes me want to move, especially since the only time I listen to chosen music is when I work out. Most of the "cool" music these days seriously makes me want to commit the big "S".

Actually, the music that ends up playing in my head over and over again, have chorus lines like "Wubzy and Widget and Walden are friends!" - which may make me wanna kill myself, but for different reasons. But even Noggin and PBS Kids has it's share of depressing music. There's a few times I've wanted to kill myself watching Oswald, and there's this one show that's on kind of late (when I already wanna kill myself cuz Dora won't sleep and is up late enough to watch the damn show in the 1st place!) that I dread called "64 Zoolane; and like a crazy person, I've actually scrambled to change the channel before hearing the faraway haunting British accented voices singing the theme song "Sixteh Fouh Sixteh Fouh Sixteh Fouh Zou Layne" in B Minor or whatever depressing note that is.

I'd like to say I'm selective of music cuz I'm discerning and have good taste. But after a quick look at my eclectically random c.d. collection, you'd probably peg me for more of a disco-dancin', gangsta-lovin', rave-goin', beer-drinkin', head-bangin', feel-good-music-listenin'-to fool.