The Forgotten Land of "Nothingness"

The weirdest thing just happen to me...

I had the pleasure of dropping my daughter off at my mom's a couple hours ago, leaving me to an afternoon of alone time, by myself, in my house, with nothing really to do except this. Mainly I have been looking at other people's stuff (blogs), which is fun and intriguing but can also be somewhat intimidating and exhausting quite frankly. (There are some incredible writers out there!) So, I decided to take a break from the computer and do something else.

And then it happened - a moment of "nothingness". I literally did nothing! It was so weird! The funny thing about this moment was that I lived a whole lifetime shaped by those moments. I've been wondering how I let that happened, and just now I remember how it happened. How I was able to waste so much time and "while away" (my dad's term he used to question me with) hours and hours of doing nothing, not accomplishing anything. For the past few years, especially since becoming a mom, everyone that knows me has been surprised at the way I have turned my life around and how I actually lead a relatively productive life. No one has been more surprised than me. Ironically, I don't usually have time to think about it. That leads me to my point: when I don't have time, I actually DO MORE. When I have time, and not a LOT to do, "whiling away" time comes naturally to me. That's when I disappear into the land of "nothingness"; in plucking my eyebrows obsessively with no consideration of time; in staring at the walls thinking about what I should be doing; in moping around the house flopping myself onto the bed, then onto the couch, and then checking the refrigerator yet again for that snack item I might have missed the last 5 times I checked.

God, I remember when I was in grade school and high school, how the summers would just waste away on "The Price is Right" and mastering the art of doing "nothing" with my friends. And then I'd spend a couple months in NY every summer at my cousin's house, bringing my mastery of "nothingness" there. I would have drawing and sewing projects I started, books I wanted to read, languages I wanted to learn, piano I never practiced; all these things I wanted to accomplish. All started and left undone, leaving me with a constant feeling of apathy and laziness.

Then in my 20's, I guess I thought dressing up to the nines, partying every night, and tending bar making money to party with was doing "something". No, wait, that's why I partied - to forget about how I really wasn't doing "anything". Then my hangovers gave me permission to practice "nothingness" when I wasn't out at the clubs practicing "nothingness".

Now, even if I have 10 minutes when I could indulge in a little "nothingness", I find something to do that's productive. It's sick - even if I'm walking from one end of the house to the other, I make it more worthwhile by doing stuff along the way: picking up a cup or 3 and taking it to the sink while on my way to the bathroom; putting away the dishes while the water for my tea is boiling. This probably sounds quite normal to a lot of you, but unheard of to me in my past life. Ask my mom. I've become so obsessive about it (me obsessive? nooo) if I'm not accomplishing at least 2 things at the same time, I feel like I'm wasting time.

It's insanity. It's either one way or the other for me. There's never an in between.

I think I do feel the need maybe to make up for all the years of "nothingness" I indulged in. I do feel a constant feeling of needing to"catch up" and cram in all the stuff I "should've been doing". I sort of feel a nagging sense of urgency to accomplish everything now.

Anyway, the point of this was that I'm surprised at how I seem to get more done now as a mother, when I don't have time. When my daughter needs to be fed, or changed, or bathed - I actually DO the dishes or squeeze in a couple "to do's" while she's napping. It sounds crazy, but it's true. (O.K., maybe not the dishes.)

Being a mother has brought me into a whole new level of productivity I never thought I would actually get to. I'm so grateful for it and for finally reaching here. Not only is actual motherhood obviously amazing, it has made me a better, more mature, responsible person. (O.K., maybe not mature.)

BUT today, as much as I just love being busy and being productive...I'm quite enjoying this afternoon of "nothingness".

F.Y.I. If you haven't already gathered, I do not consider spending hours reading other people's blogs and blogging - "whiling away" time...which means...I didn't have an afternoon of "nothingness"!